Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
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Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
back to work
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
This is me
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.