Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
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Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Good morning!
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.