Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
You Might Also Like
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.