Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*