Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
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Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness