Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
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My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
We avoided this particular disaster
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.