Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
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Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently