unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
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Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?