unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
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As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Me when I’m ovulating
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Your honor these allegations are
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there