Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
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Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
no!! no!!!!!!
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Frankenstein?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I would move hell over six inches for you
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.