Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
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When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Pickled cat.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget