Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

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I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!


I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.


doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right


C’mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.


Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.


Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.


When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.


You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.


My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.


LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel