Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
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*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
❤️🦆
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”