Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
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When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.