Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

Me: Snack?

4: anything please

Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?

4: whatever you want

Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?

4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE

*brings snack*

4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

Thinking about Jeff

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

oh you like nyc? name every rat

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no