Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
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Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Nice try Hitler
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???