Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

😂

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.