“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
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US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Me trying to reach for my goals