“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
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In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
the best thing i’ve ever made
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Candles never taste the way they smell
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).