“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
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Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Meow
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just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Incredible customer service.
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My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.