Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

I can’t stop watching this.

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

my first dose meeting my second

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.