Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
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I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Love thy neighbor’s dog