Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
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[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
what’s the point then??
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Perfection.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
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Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET