You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
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I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
WIFE: I want a divorce
ME: is it because I switched our baby out for a better one at the hospital before we left
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.