@aveuaskew

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

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@pixelatedboat

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

@Jennuflect

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

@bitterlittleman

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

@Xalqee

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

@MyNameIsArchaic

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

@MyPornKhan

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

@rockymomax

WIFE: I want a divorce

ME: is it because I switched our baby out for a better one at the hospital before we left

WIFE: what

ME: what

@Emma_HumbleBea

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

@AngelaEhh

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.