Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
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Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.