@wittwitbarista

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

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@Joyannah73

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

@briancthayer

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

@TheToddWilliams

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

@leakypod

[first day as a lawyer]

me: guiltypeoplesaywhat

defendant:

me: lol damn. i thought that would work, ur honor

judge: ….what

me: [eyes narrow]

@kelseydarragh

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

@onion_an

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

@WhaJoTalkinBout

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

@JustMeTurtle

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.