Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
You Might Also Like
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Guilty! 🤪