Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
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If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce