Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal