Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

A flock of dads is called a grill.

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

imagine getting destroyed like this

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear