Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
You Might Also Like
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?