Unsolicited sandwich pics.
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My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.