Unsolicited sandwich pics.
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i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I needed a laugh this morning.
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Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.