Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
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[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Take care of yourself, ladies
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think