Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Introverted vegans go meetless
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.