Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
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One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood