Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
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Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.