Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
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[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
