Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

I need a horror movie where a kidnapper abducts a possessed child and finds out.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have