Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect