unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
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The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Siri, fight Alexa.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Bros before Ohioes
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.