Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

me: hey your birthday is one day away

6yo: we just call that tomorrow

me:

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”