Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
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Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
True freaking story!
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw