Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Found the job I’m suited for
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway