Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

😂😂😂

My life in a nutshell

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…