Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Mine in this week’s New Yorker