Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
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daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
#winning
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
What personal space?
My dog
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
dads on road-trips be like
me in a relationship:
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M