@peb671

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

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@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

@jshbck

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

@weinerdog4life

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

@LittleMissAngr1

[Interrogation]

Bad cop: Let me scare her a bit.

Good cop: Not yet, I think she’s going to break.

Britney: My loneliness is killing me.

Good cop: But did you kill him?

Britney: And I, I must confess.

Good cop: Here we go

Britney: I still believe

Bad cop: Jesus Christ

@unravelingfire

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

@delusions_of

I wish when someone called me my phone had an “Accept”, “Decline” and “Send Electric Shock” option.

@pannuscorium

My mom is a ginger and my dad is Mexican. I guess what I’m saying is that I can only be killed by some elaborate, magical ceremony.

@Ms_WhateverV

Kids wont go to sleep so I’m playing hide&seek. And now they’ll never find me, because they aren’t old enough to drive or get into this bar.

@thombodytolove

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined