Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
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Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
this is literally a CIA plant
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project