Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Frankenstein?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?