Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

Only short people can save us

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”