“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
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“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
A comic by Dan Piraro
trivia
Spring cleaning checklist…
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.