“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
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Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.