Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

If your girl is always telling you, ‘Terrain! Terrain! Pull up!’ That’s not your girl. That’s the ground proximity warning system.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”