Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
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[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Look Ma, no handle on things
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
(Electricians.)
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese