Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.