Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
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I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass