Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
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I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”