Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
You Might Also Like
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
