Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

Can you solve the riddle??

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying