Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
You Might Also Like
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up