Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”