Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?