Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
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SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”
You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
get you a girl who
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
pizza
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
When I can’t barge, I careen.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?