until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
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I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift