Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

the way this pissed me off… 😭

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.