Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
We need to put an American base on the sun
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Had to try this trend 😊
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?