Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.